I recently started watching Doctor Who. I made it to the end of Season Two. Then when Rose Tyler left the show I found I took it harder than I should have (especially since I knew everything before it happened – I don’t like surprises so I had looked it all up). I looked up everything that happened after that and then jumped to the return of Rose Tyler at the end of Season Four. I watched her get her happy ending and the Doctor still have to lose her again (and everyone else). I realized I couldn’t watch this show, anymore. The whole concept was both to sad and to appealing. It’s a light hearted show but the underlying theme of the Doctor repeatedly losing those he gets close, too while he, being immortal has to go on is just to much for me. That theme of loss and loneliness hit me hard. I’m not sure why exactly but it did. Those losses are something I can feel when I see them on screen.
Add to that that I get way to far into shows about traveling to other worlds as well. I watch a lot of them and read books about it as well. I love the idea of traveling to other worlds. I crave that kind of experience. I want the Doctor to whisk me away in the TARDIS. I want Killian Jones to take me away to the Enchanted Forest (sorry but Neverland looks really boring). I want to go to Narnia and be able to read myself into a book. I have always wanted out of this world and into a better one. And all of these stories help me escape.
But they also make me yearn for other worlds and pull away from this one. I have been okay in this world for a little while. I’ve kept myself from disconnecting but lately it is more difficult. Lately I’m yearning for other worlds again. Yearning so much that it starts to physically hurt. I want to be happy here but instead of enjoying the things I have that I love I crave the things I can never have. And watching the Doctor farewell to Rose Tyler, I see that she gets the Doctor, she gets what she wanted, but she also loses the Doctor as well. She can’t travel worlds anymore and she knows that a version of the Doctor, the original once that she loved, is out there having experiences that she will never have. She can’t ever have him or the adventures in the TARDIS ever again. Does she think of that? Does she lie awake at night and wonder what that other Doctor is doing? Who he is traveling with? Does she yearn for the worlds she can never see? Or is she happy with her Doctor in the parallel world she is stuck in….She wanted to travel with the Doctor forever. She got half of that wish. Which is more than his other companions ever get. I can’t help but think that she still yearns for the traveling and for the Doctor she can’t have.
When I was younger I stopped watching shows and reading books that made me yearn for other worlds for a while. I had too. I needed to focus on my actual life and getting where I wanted to be but then so many years passed and I stopped making any kind of progress and then I slipped back into not being happy. I slipped back into needing the escape. And then came the yearning to run away. To whirl off to Narnia or the enchanted forest or anywhere else but here.
I know this is common of autistic females, an obsessive love for fantasy and fantastical worlds. I don’t know if my desire to run away (an intense desire I have always had) is related to autism or not. I’ve never been officially diagnosed of that (or anything else) Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am incapable of ever being happy with what I have. Maybe I really don’t belong in this world.
Mostly I just wish those other worlds were real and that I could actually travel to them.